For years, I had no means of escape from the wrath of cruel children. Having attended a small school, I couldn’t exactly make “new friends,” because what you saw is what you got. Admittedly, I was different. I had quirky interests and didn’t care about fashion or music trends, and I refused to change who I was to fit in. I was always kind to everyone, but that wasn’t enough. Toward the end of my time at that school, I was essentially friendless, as no one would stand by me for fear of marring their own reputations, meager as they might have been. I became used to having to fight to defend myself on the bus and the schoolyard where I still remember having about 20 girls surround and threaten me. The school system failed me. Even though they knew what was going on, any time I’d defend myself, they’d reprimand me and not say a word to the offending parties. What can you do when even the “authorities” fail you?
Harassment was a daily occurrence, and my very soul was so beat down that I could hardly function. Though those people tried to break me, I still had my spark burning deep inside. While I had a low self-image, my self-esteem has always been strong. I think I can attribute much of that to a strong home life with a family who truly cared about me. There was much love, and it was that which kept me strong. They kept my fire kindled, and I honestly don’t know what I would have done without them.
High school came and I began to break out of my shell. I made strong friendships with wonderful people who liked me for who I was. College, again, allowed me the chance to grow and be who I was without compromising myself. I started to grow back into the person I was before the horrible times, letting the joy out once again, and embracing happiness. I won’t lie and say that the scars have all gone away. Through much of college, I still fought with a low self-image despite knowing in my heart that I was worthy and exceptional and awesome. My self-esteem was there, even if I didn’t always acknowledge it. In the words of Stuart Smalley, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” And it’s true.
Today I consider myself an introvert. I’m certain that had my life gone differently, I would have been more outgoing, as I find myself quite adept at engaging others in conversation at times. It feels good to do so. Still, I have moments where I revert to my shy side and sometimes do find it hard to communicate with people. I may be at a loss for what to say to people on occasion and find the written word much more agreeable than the spoken. I tend to overthink what I have said, worrying that, in some frantic vomiting of words to prevent an awkward silence, I may have said something offensive though I never meant for that to be the case. These problems are residual from years of attacks and harassment. Eventually it’s safer to just stop talking when it comes to certain people. But I am braver now, and have peers who are worthy of my time. I surround myself with kind, positive people and don’t bother with the negatives. I think that my personality pitches to the positive, and that’s who I was, down to my very soul, before it was ever beaten down. I believe that I’m a good 95% back to the person I was on that first day of kindergarten, before real life marred me. Looking back, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I think that the experiences I’ve had have ultimately enriched who I have become – I know how to be truly kind and have empathy and compassion for all living things. I have no tolerance for the cruel, and I am meant to fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. I will be their voice. It just saddens me that there are many who weren’t as strong, who didn’t fight, and ended things before discovering that life does truly get better.
My message to Hyla, and to all the children out there, is to never, ever compromise who you are for popularity or acceptance. You are incredible and unique and oh so special, and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. You’re worthy of love and happiness and all that life has to offer. Don’t ever let anyone break your spirit. Those who try are just insecure with themselves, and while it may be hard to believe at the time, it is true. You are better than them. Embrace kindness. Sometimes it’s all you have. And remember, even when things are at their darkest, they will turn around. The people who truly matter will love you for who you are, and you will always be loved by me.
