Yes Woman??

These last few days have been something of a roller coaster - mostly the first drop and very little airtime. In sad news, I found out that my boss's boss, whom I've never officially met and only knew vaguely, died on Tuesday from brain cancer. I guess we all knew it was coming, but it's still always a shock. He was a highly decorated man, recieving honors from all sorts of biology-related organizations. He was well known in the field, and his contributions have greatly impacted society.

I found out about this Tuesday night while having dinner with Scott, Sarah, Jim, and Nate. Scott assumed I'd heard about it, but it was news to me. Other than that, dinner was really nice - we ate at Yanni's, a fancy Greek place. Conversation flowed as we talked about Sarah and Jim's trip to Mexico and our friend Roberta's upcoming return from Alaska. The drive home was a bit distressing, though, as Nate and I talked about our usual dynamic in social situations (not including this evening, however). I'm already a wreck in most social situations, though I am better with my close friends. I've found a "comfortable" way of dealing with it, though, and tend to hide my shyness by being very friendly and apparently agreeing with everything that people say to the point of going overboard. Now, I guess this is something I never noticed, and that I must have picked up from watching late night talk show hosts or something. I like to ask questions and let the other person talk, responding with head nods and apparently eager agreement. Hearing this threw a wrench into my whole "easy" socializing demeanor. It's something I have to watch out for, and if I find myself doing it, I need to figure out how to get around it without clamming up or saying something that could potentially have me beating myself up all night for sounding "stupid" or "offensive." UGH!! Maybe I just shouldn't socialize at all anymore! This is who I've trained myself to be, and it's a rut I don't know how to get out of. It's spawned from me caring too much about what people think of me, and now I worry that people will think I'm a "yes woman." In fact, this isn't the first time I've been told that! Aurgh, maybe I just shouldn't care what people think, either way and just go with the flow...I wonder how star socializers (which I thought I had the illusion of being at times) work their stuff. Maybe I should just give up and be myself...but that's weird, too, because I'm vastly different with different people. I don't know WHO I am anymore. UGH! So that is the dilemma of the day.

So that evening we watched some indie film about a guy eating dinner with some friends (how apropo) and we drank half a bottle of wine. I hadn't yet felt buzzed, so I cracked open some Goldschlagger and drank quite a bit before I felt anything...and then WOW. I passed out, nauseous, and woke up with my first hangover ever (well, that wasn't falsely induced by non-alcoholic champagne)! I wound up taking the day off and sleeping, which was much needed. I'm back today, though, alone in the office again...I better force myself to do some work or it won't happen...