Sorrow and Loneliness

Today has been a really hard day for me. A year ago today, I lost my wonderful Dot. I know it sounds silly, but I truly think she and I were soul mates. I don't particularly believe that people can really be soul mates, but there's a special connection you can have with animals, and I believe Dot and I had that. They are loyal, they don't judge, and they are always there for you, unconditionally. She was definitely my cat, and I spent today walking the trails of the Ogden Nature Center in tears thinking about her. I believe in reincarnation, and, while it may sound rediculous, I hold out hope that maybe we'll be reunited one day. I miss her so very much!

And that gets me thinking about death...that's actually all I really ever think about! I think the Aquarian in me pushes people away because I fear loss, and I don't want to get too attached because I know I'll be hurt...because everyone dies. Death is the cause of my insomnia at night, and my persistent daily worries. I have always feared loss, and this is the ultimate loss. Today, almost all my thoughts are on death.

Anyway, I'm also battling extreme loneliness out here. I remember I always used to say I would love to move away to a mountain somewhere and live alone and never be bothered by people again. Well, I'm in essentially that situation now, but it's no where near as wonderful as I'd have thought. I actually crave human interraction. Instead, I'm left alone with my thoughts, which are often self-destructive. I think about how weird I often am, and how I probably come across as a total jerk sometimes, with my weird, often misunderstood comments. Maybe I'm a bad person. I know I'm really not, but I wonder if people might get that impression. Then again, why do I care what people think? Well, I care if they're my friends, and I think a few of them may have misinterpreted something I said. I feel such a gap between me and other people, and being out here isn't helping. I really don't know what would help. I'm struggling with hating who I am, pitying myself for my past, and not being able to reach out to anyone while I'm here. So between my self-destructive inner battlings and my sorrow for my sweet Dot, I'm just a wreck today. Maybe I just need to go back to my cabin and have a good long cry. Tomorrow is a new day...